So he doesn't have an enlarged prostate...

It turned out to be just another bladder infection. Why won't he go to the bathroom when he needs to? He says that he feels too sick and tired to get out of bed by himself...amazingly, that changes as soon as Shigure announces his presence. Or anyone, for that matter. If he's having visitors, he is suddenly miraculously well enough to sit up and talk--on most days.

I'm not saying that I think he fakes his illness. I've taken his temperature and observed the other symptoms often enough to know, he is genuinely sick. But I am convinced that many of his problems are mental, and that if he would only try, he could do more than he is allowing himself to do.

I shouldn't judge him. I'm not living his life. I'm just trying to make it better.

But sometimes I think he's only dying because he's killing himself.

And I feel that he's dragging me down with him.

I'm going to cry.

I love Akito.
I really, really do.
These words become a mantra inside my head as I sit at my desk, pen in hand, attempting to drown out the sounds of things shattering in the room next to me with words like, dysuria and benign prostatic hyperplasia.
It doesn't work.
I have a headache again. I need advil...

I'm out of advil.

I'm going to kill Akito.
I really, really am.

March 13th, Entry 1

I will probably never write in this thing. If I do, it's because Akito is driving me crazy and I need a way to vent without it getting back to him every word that I said.
Akito, I can't give you any more morphine without killing you...
Stop asking me!